


The Ghost of Evan Hansen

by amoment



Series: resolution and rekindling [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: M/M, but also trying not to pine jared, in which jared reflects on the events of canon; is mad at evan; and isn't beating himself up, it's probably a mess and i'm tired but. here's this content, let's assume this is a oneshot for now but we'll see, this is basically a huge character analysis-y essay that wanders all over the place, you KNOW it's pining jared
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-15
Updated: 2018-11-15
Packaged: 2019-08-23 13:55:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,927
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16620302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amoment/pseuds/amoment
Summary: Jared's a little frustrated.





	The Ghost of Evan Hansen

Evan Hansen isn't a part of Jared Kleinman's life anymore.

Well, not REALLY. 

Evan Hansen, the person, isn't in Jared's life. Not relevant. Haven't spoken to him or even seen him in almost exactly a year, thanks. It'd be a little OVER a year, actually, except one time during the previous summer Jared had heard Heidi Hansen in the next grocery aisle over, then heard a too-familiar voice murmur a reply. Jared had quickly stuffed the bag of chips back into place on the shelf and bailed, and not because he was too nervous to see Evan, but because he just didn't fucking want to. He wasn't in the mood to deal with...with THAT. 

So. Evan, the person, is not in Jared's life. Evan is off living his own life, and Jared is living his, and the two experiences are perfectly separate. Unintersecting. Jared is pretty certain that their moms still talk on occasion, but that's their moms. Not him and Evan. They'd split that day he'd sworn at Evan and stalked off. Haven't spoken or texted or emailed or even semaphored a word since. Their relationship had ended after that moment. Zero interaction, zero involvement. Sure, they still know OF each other, but they're strangers.

But there's Evan's ghost. It's been haunting Jared all year. 

He doesn't know why he keeps imagining Evan as some phantom drifting around, casting an unseeing glance back at Jared before gliding away down a darkened hallway or through a castle wall or something. Jared vaguely blames that unit they did on gothic literature in junior year english. He hadn't really been paying attention much in that class, but the word "gothic" alone kept making him snort a laugh and cast a smirking grin at Evan, who would glance back at him and return a weak, delayed smile and a flicker of a nod, so in a way he'd been kept a little more involved than usual. And then the teacher kept talking about ghosts and monsters and curses and things, and now Jared keeps thinking about that ghost shit and how the THOUGHT of Evan, the IDEA of him, has been following him every day since they...split. Almost as if Evan had died. Which is funny, because obviously Evan was more alive than ever once that Connor Project took off (thanks to Jared) and suddenly Evan was popular and important and famous and beloved (thanks to Jared) and everyone thought Evan was just the greatest, except it was the LIE that they thought was so great. And Jared, who'd been Evan's friend longer than anyone, who knew who Evan REALLY was, who saved his ass after Evan fucked everything up by ignoring his advice, who made Evan's fake friendship believable, who gave Evan the foundation for ALL OF IT...well.

Well, see, Jared was kicked to the curb. Because all that adulation? The clamor and demand for Evan fucking Hansen? That international attention? 

(The attention based on the lie, the one that Evan told and Jared backed up for no other reason than to help his stupid family friend out of a tight spot and keep him from traumatizing a pair of grieving parents with a shitty dead son, yeah, THAT lie.)

Well, that was better than Jared, apparently. Worth a hell of a lot more. In fact, it pretty much seemed like Evan thought Jared wasn't worth anything. And Jared had thought, in the height of his desparation, that if he couldn't make Evan remember to care that they were friends, he could make Evan remember that he NEEDED Jared for all that precious attention he was getting from Zoe and the Murphys and the school and the town and everyone online who saw the Project. Because Jared built the damn lie for him, and Jared KEPT his fucking secret, sat back and laughed while Evan scrambled around, kissing Zoe, strategizing with Alana, making nice with the Murphy parents, and Jared didn't say a thing that HE didn't get fuckall out of this stupid project. He was credited on the site, sure, but he wasn't the one making a speech that went viral, he didn't post the video updates so the world could see his face, he didn't complain when Alana jumped in and claimed co-presidency of his and Evan's thing, and didn't complain that Evan just meekly accepted it, because hey, it was Evan. The dude was never gonna stand up for himself, much less anyone else. Jared just kept cleaning up Evan's messes and tweaking things behind the scenes, and NOBODY came out of that mess knowing who the hell Jared Kleinman was. And Jared hadn't complained. And Evan hadn't cared. He just saw Jared as a human computer to crank out more false evidence for his oh-so-cherished friendship with Connor fucking Murphy. The fake friendship that was so important that Jared wasn't even allowed to pretend he'd been a part of it, too. Evan didn't want Jared inserting himself into this fictional story where he and Connor were best friends and everything was beautiful; it was just unthinkably absurd. This fictional story that Jared helped Evan create. It was inconceivable that he could factor in at all, in this fantasy world that was so delightful to Evan. And when he'd reminded Evan that he didn't HAVE to do these emails, reminded him that he was a person with a choice here, that maybe he could be doing something more enjoyable with his time than inventing Connor Murphy's diary entries for a friend who wouldn't even talk to him about anything but the Murphys anymore? Evan had brushed him off. Don't need the emails. Don't need you, Jared. It's all fine for Evan, Evan and Connor and Zoe and this nice story he now starred in. This story Jared gave him meant more to him than Jared. Evan couldn't even stop and appreciate what he owed Jared. 

And somehow, despite even that, Jared had tried to reach out to him. Tried pointing out that maybe Evan was just dragging everyone along for his own benefit and might remember that Jared was still here, inspirational lies or no.

Evan wasn't interested.

And so of course Jared finally snapped and threatened to pull the foundation out from this massive lie. He reminded Evan, in no uncertain terms, exactly what he'd done. That he knew EVERYTHING. So, fine, maybe Evan didn't give a damn about him, now that Evan was an inspirational do-gooder celebrity who got a new family and a girlfriend and an orchard out of his one stupid sex letter. But whether Evan cared or not, Jared had still been there for EVERYTHING.

And fucking Evan Hansen had thrown that, even THAT, right back in Jared's face.

So, funnily enough, yeah, Evan has basically been dead to Jared ever since. Funny, because if there was gonna be a ghost, you'd think it'd be Connor Murphy, right? Yeah, well. Connor Murphy was gone for real. The only reason HE haunted the world was because Evan had been so damn horny for his sister. This girl who was way out of Evan's league but who Evan got all fixated on and rhapsodized about to Jared way too often, yet Jared still put up with him, because Evan was his friend. Because Evan was SUPPOSED to be HIS friend. But he got the girl and promptly forgot about the guy who'd stuck by his side when he was just some annoying, twitchy, anxious nobody.

But, no! 

Why would Evan give a shit about that.

Yeah, okay, Jared isn't totally clueless. He knows Evan is a sensitive guy. And, well, Jared isn't really all warmth and fuzziness. 

He was blunt with Evan. He didn't sugarcoat it when Evan embarrassed himself. Other people, they put on a soft, patronizing voice and touched Evan's arm featherlight and nodded slowly as they told him to just go sit and try to calm down and maybe go to the nurse, and they sat in awkward silence next to Evan, shooting glances at him out of the corner of their eyes while Evan struggled to catch his breath, they avoided him for the rest of the day and whispered about him and snickered and grinned at him behind his back. 

Jared didn't do any of that shit. He'd go right up to him after class, clap him on the shoulder, and say: "Kinda fucked that one up, didn't'cha, Hansen?" He didn't walk on eggshells around him or pretend he was some delicate little kid, throwing euphemisms at him and lying about how Evan was doing just fine, actually, nothing was wrong, he was perfectly normal. Jared was fucking upfront. Maybe Evan would've preferred a family friend who'd put on a gentle act and take care of him, but what he got was Jared's blunt honesty and laughter and his willingness to accept the reality of Evan. And sorry if that wasn't enough.

Sorry if he, Jared, just another goddamn teenager with his own life, and, believe it or not, his own problems, couldn't fucking babysit Evan. He couldn't fix Evan's anxiety and he was never going to pretend he thought he could. He couldn't be there for him every moment of his life. He couldn't lie and tell him everything was okay, everything was always going to be okay. He couldn't fix Evan or his life. He couldn't give Evan that dream friendship he apparently longed for, the one where you frolic through sunlit fields and climb up into trees and smile at the clouds and jerk each other off while you list all your hopes and dreams and whatever. He couldn't give Evan that fantasy. He could only give him reality. 

And maybe Jared had his own needs too, and maybe they didn't always align with what Evan wanted the most. Maybe Jared needed space. Maybe he needed to have a friend who could be happy with him even if he wouldn't dole out greeting-card encouragements and spill his own heart out for Evan's sake and hug him at his locker every day. Maybe Jared wasn't so great at the whole intimacy thing, sure, he knew that. But neither was Evan. EVAN didn't stride up and embrace Jared before homeroom. Evan didn't ask Jared if he was scared about anything, if he had problems, because Jared didn't fall apart like Evan did, Jared didn't expect anyone to want to pry into his thoughts and feelings, and so wasn't it okay if he didn't try to do the same to anyone else? He wasn't Evan's mom. He wasn't Evan's therapist. He was just another teenager with his own life, who maybe didn't have it all together either, who maybe didn't know how to be the perfect friend for Evan Hansen.

He knew he took it too far, sometimes. He couldn't help it. His teasing could be a little too pointed. His running joke that their friendship was an obligation for him, that he was stuck with Evan, well...he played it up into an effortless detachment at times. Because, well, Jared had to look out for himself, too. It was a very delicate balance, getting through middle and high school without your classmates making your life a living hell because you were safe as long as someone else was being fed to the wolves. Jared didn't leave Evan to the wolves. Jared talked to Evan in the halls, in class, in the cafeteria. Thanks to Jared, everyone saw that Evan had a real friend.  
Everyone but Evan, apparently.

And it wasn't like it was that easy for Jared, either. He was just some pudgy, nearsighted computer nerd with a super-Jewish family and one real friend of his own. He'd scraped up another layer for his persona: he was snarky and funny and he could pretend everyone was an enemy, everyone was a friend, with this endless volley of comments and snipes. Anyone who tried to pick on him got deflected, turned into another one of his jokes, and Jared wasn't easy enough prey for any group of shitheads to turn their attention to him for longer than five seconds. Because Jared made sure he was seen. He spoke up. He took up space, he MADE a space for himself.

And Evan didn't do that, he was either quiet and shrinking or loud and flailing and there was nowhere Evan fit in, so Jared shared his space with Evan. Jared gave him his friendship. Jared did things he didn't have to do for Evan because of one fucking reason, and part of that reason was dangerous, and Evan couldn't have the whole truth of it. So Jared had his line about the car insurance, about their moms, about the family friendship, that inside joke of theirs. Because Jared needed to protect himself, too. So, sorry, but he had his own needs.

And so he couldn't be Evan's devoted mom, his dad, his dream girl, his posse of admirers, his best and truest bosom friend. Hell, maybe it had never been that great being friends with Jared. He knew he came off mean sometimes. He knew Evan wanted the kind of companion your best friend was supposed to be. But, hell, they were kind of stuck with each other. Because they grew up alongside each other, because they didn't have anybody better. They didn't have anybody else at all. And both of them, in all the ups and downs of the years of their friendship, liked each other more than they liked being alone. 

And maybe Jared was just another crappy, selfish, clueless, fucked up teenager who couldn't be who Evan wished he could be, who was only kept around because Evan didn't have another option. Maybe he was a fucking stupid, inadequate kid who couldn't light up Evan's life, who couldn't drive him to the hospital when the resident tree expert managed to fall out of one and Jared was at camp while Evan was doing his park ranger thing. Maybe he couldn't measure up to all the issues Evan had and completely block them out for him. Maybe he could just hang out and joke and bring him assignments from when Evan had to go home early. He could stick with Evan during those difficult years when his anxiety got worse and he wasn't getting any treatment yet, when Jared had to pull out his laptop and try to figure out what was up with his friend, because Evan didn't say and Jared's mom didn't relay anything to him and so he was just stuck being as bewildered and unprepared as any other classmates when Evan started to have anxiety attacks or these completely contrasting episodes of being so withdrawn and unresponsive and how was he supposed to have a goddamn clue what to do? But he searched for the answers himself and he threw his head back and laughed "No shit!" when Evan finally tugged him aside one day and murmured something about having been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder. And Evan had seemed a little stunned, a little thrown off what Jared was sure was a well-rehearsed spiel, but he'd thought he'd seen a bit of genuine relief in Evan's smile as well. 

Jared kept Evan company during...how many anxiety attacks? How many minutes of hyperventilation? Maybe he didn't cradle Evan's head to his chest and stroke his hair and coo vague reassurances until Evan was healed through the magic of his loving touch. No fucking way. And if he was a little too distant as a result of his attempt to NOT be all over Evan, to give them both a bit of necessary space, well, wasn't that better than the alternative? Wasn't a little too mean better than fucking up their friendship entirely, fucking up their very survival at school by showing too much vulnerability, showing that maybe Evan was a point of weakness for Jared if Jared didn't show just enough of a sharp edge to keep it all at bay? So maybe Jared put his own protection and comfort ahead too many times, stepped on Evan's feelings a bit too much. But even EVAN had to overlook his own feelings in order to just get by. And if Jared was selfish, then, god, so was Evan.

So was EVERYONE. 

And yet, Jared was the guy who tried to help his friend out of this completely fucking insane situation he'd stumbled into, only to end up losing said friend.

Jared was the one who'd wheeled around and strode away and left Evan behind. Because Evan didn't come after him.

Maybe Jared liked to pretend he didn't care. Like he didn't...

Love.

...Loving Evan.

Like he didn't love Evan. 

He used the joke. The insurance, their moms, the whatever. But he was THERE. 

Evan didn't care, and Evan made it quite clear that he didn't feel any obligation to Jared.

Not for the emails that gave him this sparkly new life in the first place, not for the years and years of being his friend. His shitty family friend, a disappointment of a friend who couldn't be everything everywhere all the time, but still his friend.

And he'd figured maybe Evan had actually liked him. 

Like, at all.

But as soon as Jared started dragging his feet, trying to get a response from Evan that said he mattered at all, Evan shrugged him off entirely. 

He'd done it so EASILY. 

And still, Jared had given it one more shot. Instead of trying to point out to Evan that he was completely abandoning him for something that wasn't even real, he'd gone and invited him over. To hang out. To have fun. To be friends.

But Evan had what he wanted. Wealthy parents desperate to give a lonely boy all the attention they didn't give Connor. The acknowledgement and approval of thousands, even millions of strangers. Hell, even Zoe, somehow. Even his trees. And Evan made it crystal clear that he didn't have any interest in Jared anymore. He'd shouted it in Jared's face. That he was just using Jared to get something better, and since he didn't need Jared's skills for email fabrication, didn't need Jared's loyalty about the secret, didn't need Jared's company to keep from being alone and invisible, didn't need Jared at all, he didn't want him either.

Well, Jared had gotten that message loud and clear.

And, for once, being alone seemed better than being friends with Evan Hansen. 

Being alone seemed better than making up with Evan Hansen.

Because he was going to be damned if he'd be the one to come crawling back and confess how much Evan meant to him. Admit that now, HE was the one who was clearly more of a loser, a nobody, while Evan's name was now forever associated with the purest soaring heights of love and altruism and hope and community and so on and so forth. 

He was alone, and Evan wasn't, and so even if Evan had completely fucked him over and treated him like shit, Jared was supposed to beg to have him back because he had nothing else. 

Evan had yelled that right in his face. That Jared didn't have any friends. That Jared wouldn't have anybody on his side if the lie was exposed.

And Jared's supposed to be the asshole friend. Ha.

Evan was taking advantage of everyone, lying to Zoe Murphy about her dead brother yet dating her too, doing it all for what Evan Hansen wanted the world to be, but Evan gets to be the hero. Jared gets to be cast aside, labeled as selfish because he wasn't enthralled with this fake project for some dead asshole that everyone only paid attention to so they could feel like better people, when really they were doing nothing for no one, only giving a shit about people like them when it was too late, when they could be used as symbols. Connor as the lost soul, Evan as the beacon of hope, and Jared as nobody and nothing, because he was pushed aside as soon as the earnest and dedicated Alana stepped in. And it doesn't matter to anybody, because the only person who paid attention to Jared was Evan, and Evan had better things to do.

He'd almost wished he could've told himself that Evan was truly just too busy with The Connor Project, too distracted and stressed out for his own already high-strung good. But yeah, Evan had calmly told him they didn't need all hands on deck. At least, apparently not Jared's hands. And Evan apparently had time for this lovely blossoming romance with Zoe Murphy, which was pretty sick and wrong in Jared's opinion. And it felt worse than sick and wrong when he got rejected by Evan and watched him turn around and kiss Zoe right in front of him. That had stung.

More than stung. It had felt like a jab to the chest, a block of ice dropping from his sternum into his stomach. 

Evan was hurting him, and didn't even care enough to see.

Yeah, maybe Jared had hurt him plenty of times. Maybe he could scarcely ever offer a better apology than temporarily softening the banter into something that contained a fleeting acknowledgement that he really did give a shit. But at least he fucking noticed. Evan couldn't manage even that. 

Maybe it wasn't the most mature thing in the world to threaten Evan as a way to get his attention again, remind him that he at least had some PRACTICAL worth as a friend. But Evan wasn't responding to anything else, wasn't reaching out after repeatedly pushing Jared away, wasn't doing shit but walking all over Jared now that he wasn't desperate for emails anymore. So when it turned out Evan WAS desperate for them again, no way was he going to make that same mistake of thinking Evan would bother to remember that they were friends.

So, hey, he raised his voice and said just that. It was a lot more direct than he'd been with Evan in years. That's kind of mature in its own way, even if it was only thanks to the fact that his temper was teetering on a knife's edge. And then Evan, of course, did the same thing. 

He knew Jared had always needed him just as much. He knew Jared wanted a friend the same way Evan did. And the thing was, Jared couldn't shout back at him that he had plenty of other friends, because he knew he didn't, and he was way too pissed to lie. The truth was hurting like a bitch, and the only way to make Evan know that pain was by firing back with more of these awful, cutting truths. 

But the one truth Jared could respond with, the one that would've made it perfectly clear to Evan fucking clueless asshole friend-abandoning Hansen that they were friends for more than car insurance, for even more than the fact that Jared didn't have another friend in the first place, was a truth that would've cut Jared just as painfully as it would Evan. 

Probably more. After all, Evan was the one getting to feel up the cute girl he'd been exasperatingly obsessed with for years.

Evan didn't deserve it.

All Jared could do was reduce himself to the fucking emails he wished he'd never written. 

Because maybe if he hadn't helped create them, if he'd left Evan to be nothing more than the loser who'd dashed the hopes of the Murphy parents, none of this would've ever happened. 

They'd just still be all that they ever really were. Two losers, keeping each other company, waiting to finally be done with high school. Just a couple of stupid teenagers with nothing more going for them.

But no, he'd rescued Evan from his pathetic disaster even after Evan ignored his perfectly helpful, supposedly foolproof advice. He'd kept this huge secret for Evan's sake and Evan's sake alone, and in return he couldn't even get his friend to hang out with him. 

Hell, he never even got the twenty fucking dollars.

All he got was that anger, that ice in his chest, that accusation from Evan that Jared would be nothing without him. That horrible moment where Jared held himself back from screaming something he could never, ever take back from Evan. Much less himself.

Because in that exact, horrible moment, Jared couldn't deny it anymore.

Before, yeah, he'd always had trouble with girls. He was never exactly a babe magnet in the first place, but he even found it difficult to pick a girl he actually WANTED to be with. And that was another thing he had in common with Evan, their embarrassingly sparse dating histories. The only leg-up Jared had on Evan was that he, at least on the surface, wasn't really suffering for it, whereas Evan was agonizing over his inability to make eye contact with Zoe Murphy, let alone hook up with her. But Jared wasn't similarly afflicted with heartache. He pretended he had high standards, a sort of simultaneously self-deprecating and self-complimenting joke, slyly acknowledging his own ugliness and unpopularity while also asserting that he was single because nobody was good enough to interest him.

And as far as he knew, that was basically true. Even girls he objectively recognized as pretty didn't really appeal all that much. It seemed like a hassle to even want it. But he didn't start to worry about it until high school. And he wasn't even worrying THAT much until his dreams started to involve him kissing guys. But he shrugged it off. He was a teenager, and everyone was always telling teenagers that they were runaway hormonal urges. Maybe he liked boys, maybe his sexual frustration was just firing off at random during dreams, when he had no control. He couldn't really be bothered to have a whole crisis over being an undateable loser who has wet dreams. 

It became a bit more disorienting when he had his first dream about kissing Evan. 

Honestly, when he looked back on it a couple of years later, Jared knew that what had made it upsetting for him was that the dream DIDN'T bother him. It was ridiculous to want to kiss Evan, he knew, so it must be due to crossed wires. He was just a regularass horny teenager who saw Evan's stupid face all the time, and whether or not he liked guys, clearly Evan was taking up more than his fair share of space in Jared's brain. 

He tried to ignore the first dream, and maybe he started to play up the joke that he only hung out with Evan to make their moms happy. Because he really wanted to have a little more space from the guy. It'd become a sort of cycle: he'd have a dream like that about Evan, spend the next week or so avoiding Evan as much as he could get away with, and then finally let things go back to normal once Evan started acting a bit too kicked-puppyish to ignore and when getting a little more distance didn't seem so pressingly important anymore. 

Eventually, inevitably, he'd had a wet dream about Evan. The conclusion he drew was that yeah, okay, he must at least be attracted to boys. And he was more comfortable with that than with the idea that he might want to fuck Evan.

And Evan was the one problem here. It was okay that they were friends. Obviously the setup had always been mutually beneficial. People didn't even pick on Evan, because Jared was around to give him attention and be the strongest link between him and the rest of the student body. And because Evan was always nice, and people were actually moved to feel bad for him when he had another anxiety attack in the middle of chem and left Jared without a partner until Alana finished her work first and came over to see if Jared was making any glaring mistakes.

But, god, if Jared was out, it would all go to shit. Of COURSE everyone would assume that he and Evan were a thing. Instead of this sort-of respectable alliance between two losers, it would be this laughable pathetic gross romance, obviously. He may have gotten a little louder about telling Evan they weren't REAL friends, may have turned away a little sooner after their daily pre-homeroom locker meetup that Jared tried hard to make look as casual and coincidental as possible. 

But nothing really changed.  
Jared stuck with Evan, and Evan pined after Zoe, and high school was bullshit, and nothing in their lives particularly mattered save being slowly corralled into a proper college education.

Yeah, Jared had started to give Evan a second glance every now and then. He'd quietly acknowledged to himself that Evan was sort of cute, in a dorky kind of way. All that shyness and utter inability to play it cool was a little charming, if you wanted to look at it from that perspective. Sometimes Jared found himself laughing a little harder when Evan laughed, smiling wider when Evan smiled, getting almost a little maybe flustered when Evan's gaze was a bit more lingering or fond than usual.

It was whatever; it was the dreams all over again. If he liked guys, surely he'd end up crushing on some of them. And he was around Evan basically every day, seeing him at school, at their houses, the park, the community college campus, the gas station down the street from school. They swapped texts all the time. Jared accepted Evan's video calls at all hours, knowing full well he was usually gonna vent about some kind of crisis he was having about his past or future or class presentation or Zoe obsession or personal arborial project or what fucking ever. 

He'd laugh at Evan's over-the-top worrying and tell him that's why he was always down to talk, because the stories of Evan's life were way too good to miss out on. 

(Jared always took Evan's calls.)

The thing was, Evan was the one guy he was around, and he was around him all the time, so it was only expected that he might start seeing Evan in that kind of gayass light. It was just crossed wires. 

That's what Jared told himself. And he really did believe it.

He believed it right up until the truth came out at the worst possible moment.

He was so, so desparate for Evan to come to his useless fucking senses and remember that he and Jared were friends. To pay an ounce of attention to him. He tried to remind Evan that he should give him the time of day if only to protect his precious fucking secret, because Jared wasn't supposed to care, so Evan was supposed to remember Jared was only in this for twenty bucks and a line or two to put on college applications. But Jared would never actually do that to Evan. Even he knew that.

He figured Evan would know that too. Would know that if Jared was hinting he might not want to play along anymore, he was letting Evan know that obviously something was wrong. That he was asking Evan to focus on him for a goddamn second. Because god forbid Evan bother to maybe look beyond the surface level of an interaction with Jared, maybe direct his thoughts away from his own affairs for the first time in weeks and bother to think about how Jared was doing. 

He'd hoped Evan would give enough of a shit.

Until the moment Evan rushed over to insist they write more emails, Jared had really hoped for Evan. But all Evan did was get pissed off that Jared should expect to be treated like the friend he'd had since either of them could remember. The friend who'd saved Evan's ass over and over and over, over, over, over. 

Who'd sat with Evan when the boy was huddled in his seat after another meltdown, and had scooted his foot over until it bumped against Evan's, and gently rocked his heel to knock the sides of their shoes together, tapping out a steady rhythm for the next twenty minutes until Evan recovered enough to lift his head out of his arms. Who'd copied Evan's breathing exercises so that it was kind of a game rather than something embarrassing that singled Evan out. Who'd endured that one awful evening when Evan was staying over and had his first real panic attack in front of Jared, and neither of them knew what was going on or what to do, and Evan was crying and saying he was going to die, and Jared was crying and trying not to panic, and that made Evan even more freaked out, and even though Jared was a shaking mess who was terrified Evan was about to drop dead and that it was going to be all his fault, he managed to call Heidi and confess in a shaking, sobbing voice that something even more horrible than usual was happening to Evan and he felt helpless to save him.

He'd let Evan share his bed one night. He'd listened to him rattle off all these flaws and had calmly refuted each with only a hint of exasperation as the minutes wore on. He'd partnered with Evan during every project and made sure every single point of any presentation was flawlessly scripted for Evan's sake, put most of the burden of speaking on himself, and jumped in when Evan fumbled before his friend could clam up for the rest of the day or work himself up into an overcompensatingly loud stammer. When Jared had made himself temporarily cool by threading blue laces into his shoes, he'd threaded another pair into Evan's shoes as well, and for that week they were the most popular kids in their first grade class. When Evan's dad left, and Evan was at the Kleinman's house all the time, Jared listened to his mom telling him to be nice to Evan and he played with him, even the times when Evan was starting to annoy him. When Jared had gotten an amazing pair of really high-quality noise-cancelling over-the-ear headphones for Hanukkah, he'd let Evan borrow them time and time again, sometimes slipping them onto Evan's head himself and playing the hour-long track of recorded rainfall he liked so that Evan could close his eyes and listen and breathe and calm down. 

Jared had thought he didn't have to remind Evan of all these aspects of their friendship. He'd just sort of figured Evan knew without Jared saying aloud "Hey, buddy, remember all the shit we've done together?" and listing it off.

Jared had been so wrong. 

He'd been wrong about Evan. About himself. 

And he'd realized the whole of it at the worst possible moment.

"Because you don't have any other friends!" Evan shouted at him in a fevered rush.

They both knew this was true. And if Evan didn't care about him, all Jared had was the emails and the secret only he and Evan shared. 

And as Evan was throwing this back in his face, throwing Jared away entirely, Jared was, in that very instant, realizing why this was as bad as it was.

Evan could take care of himself and enjoy his perfect new life. Jared could go off and actually make other friends. The Connor Project could cruise along, reach its goal, plant its orchard just like Evan and the world wanted. 

But Jared was in love with Evan.

Jared held that in his throat as Evan glared at him mere inches away. He clenched his teeth and, horrifyingly, felt his bottom lip tremble. 

Jared had never felt this in his life. He'd never known how it feels to be in love with your best only real friend, and he'd never known how it feels to have your heart broken by him. Feeling both at once, feeding into each other, crushing his insides and choking him off and robbing him of all his defenses, was more than enough to make him wish he'd never met Evan.

"FUCK YOU, Evan! _Asshole!_ "

Jared had spent the next period hiding in a bathroom stall, crying. And then he went ahead and stayed there until the last bell rang. Pathetically, as furious as he was with Evan, as embarrassed as he was to be reduced to this, he'd had this small hope that Evan might turn up looking for him. That, for once, Evan would be the one to notice when his friend was in shambles and go after him and make sure he's okay. Anytime anyone came into the bathroom, part of him twisted up in shame and anxiety, part of him sat up and hoped he'd hear that stupid, horrible voice give a meek "Jared?"

He went home without seeing Evan, spent a half hour crying in his room; he couldn't stave it off. 

His phone never buzzed with one of Evan's texts.

He put all his profiles on invisible, but either Evan was doing the same or wasn't online at all that night.

That pathetic part of him sort of wondered if he might even hear the house phone ring, even hear a knock at the front door. 

He cried himself to sleep for the first time in four years.

Jared didn't really talk to anyone the next day. He couldn't help but notice Alana Beck was uncharacteristically withdrawn as well. He refused to take any notice of Evan. 

Jared wondered if the lack of emails had caused any kind of problem. Evan had seemed desperate enough the other day, but he hadn't tried bothering Jared about it again, so. Either it wasn't a big enough deal to warrant talking to Jared, or things had worked out for Evan after all.

Jared had seen that Evan's letter got posted. He couldn't really figure how that might've happened, but it didn't make Evan talk to him, and it didn't derail The Connor Project.

Reading it had hurt. But he couldn't stop himself.

It reminded him of listening to Evan's big speech. Jared had been able to tell that Evan was speaking from the heart. It had almost made him think that maybe this whole lie to cover Evan's ass might actually be able to turn into something a little more real.

Ha.

Actually, Jared had been a little self-conscious writing that first batch of emails with Evan. He'd frowned at the screen while Evan read over his shoulder.

All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you wanna be—

He wrote out this nice little spiel about wanting to be different, wanting to be better, trying to convince yourself that this is possible. His face had grown warm, but Evan didn't question how or why these phrases came so easily to Jared. Evan hadn't noticed that Jared had let slip a bit of material drawn from his own internal monologues. 

Jared was supposed to be the asshole, but after the split, he couldn't stop being angry at Evan.

Evan never reached out to him. 

The Connor Project never collapsed in on itself. 

Jared spent the rest of that school year alone, pretending Evan was just another face in the crowd. He stubbornly refused to even look at him. 

The pain from the blow Evan dealt became something colder. He stopped crying over him. He stopped wishing things could've gone a different way; that he could've figured himself out sooner, avoided being strung along so easily. 

It was funny that Evan had broken Jared's heart the very minute Jared realized his heart was Evan's to break.

It was funny that he'd ended up with no friends, just like Evan had so acutely predicted. And Evan's secret remained safe. It was funny that even though Jared kind of hated Evan now, he was still going to protect him. 

It was funny that it was Evan's stupid letter all about his then-unrequited love which set off this whole shitstorm, and Jared ended up writing letters to Evan that, with each iteration, increasingly featured these lengthy, embarrassingly messy descriptions of his feelings about Evan, colored with a fury that could only derive from an adequate level of passion. He'd get so fucking pissed, typing or writing out these missives that Evan was never ever ever going to see, face screwed up and jaw twitching as angry tears poured down his cheeks. And finally he'd be so emotionally exhausted that the tiredness became physical and he'd push it away, close the document or shove the notebook into a drawer, and decide he was fine until the next time it all started to overflow.

Dear Evan Hansen—

I'm pretty sure I was a shitty fucking friend who you wished was someone else but guess what? I'm pretty sure you still didn't desreve to have me

i'm pretty sure i shouldnt have wanted to try kissing you

you just wanted zoe murphy anyways an d guess what buddy!!!! you fucking got her!!!!! And all you had to do was lie about her dead brother. wow

Fuck you Evan

just FUCK YOU

Jared's anger would surge so high that for a moment it went away and was replaced with the equally intense misery behind it all. 

The stronger his hatred for Evan felt, the more he was aware of just how bad he missed him. 

How he still loved him.

Summer couldn't come fast enough. Maybe the last day of classes should've held some sort of metaphorical resonance, but Jared left high school behind without even looking around for Evan. 

During graduation, he had to wish that "Hansen" was removed from "Kleinman" by a few more letters of the alphabet, but even if he'd been seated right beside Evan, he wouldn't've said a word. 

Jared had an internship that summer that was going to count as credit hours for his college. The rest of the time he spent at his crappy part-time job, saving up money, or in his room at home. 

He was nervous going away to school. But he took to it quickly: this was a new life for him now, after all. A completely new set of people. Working his way towards a future that could continue to be something even newer and better.

All that it takes is a little reinvention. 

He fit in well enough. His roommate was laidback and often elsewhere. He made some friends in classes, though often enough he'd think of Alana eternally describing everyone who knew her as "acquaintances." He got invited to parties. He wasn't really a loser anymore.

Jared even kissed a guy for the first time. He didn't care that he looked a little bit like Evan. He wasn't Evan. And Jared was glad of that. 

But even as he hung out with all these other people, went to these parties that would've overstimulated Evan within minutes, there was still this little place for Evan in the back of Jared's mind. Where he found himself storing away funny stories and exciting news and complaints and jokes to share with Evan. 

He'd sense this tiny part of himself that kept assuming at some point, someday, he'd talk with Evan again.

It's been this ghost in his head.

He didn't ever tell anyone about Evan. He knew it was still too raw. He was still mourning. It wasn't going to do anything but upset him. 

He just wondered about him sometimes. Wondered if he opened up that contact still in his phone and sent a text, would it still reach him? Would he get an answer? Or would Evan delete it and move on, because Jared hadn't come crawling back after being treated like a disposable tool?

Part of Jared thinks Evan must wonder about him too. Because Jared is done with Evan, but he's still not really...done. 

Still.

Evan has Zoe and the fame of The Connor Project and whatever else his fake friendship has gotten him.

It's sure given him more than a real friendship with Jared ever could. 

Jared managed to go the whole winter break without seeing Evan. He knows his mom went and visited Heidi a time or two, which set him a little on edge, and brought back Evan's ghost. Jared would picture him, picture him seeing his mom and being reminded of Jared's existence. Jared's life without him. He might've been bitter enough to hope part of Evan did still miss him, maybe, now that everything had cooled down a little bit.

But Jared just spent his time enjoying the ability to sleep as much as he wanted, eat a wider variety of food, relax and forget about internships and homework and finals and projects of any kind. 

This one night, he'd thought about Evan longer than usual. He considered writing him another unsendable letter, but decided he was fine holding it all inside his head.

Evan's ghost was in his bedroom. A paperback book of Evan's is still on the shelf. The rock Evan found and gave to Jared sits on the desk by the lamp. A pair of Evan's socks are in his drawer. 

Jared had just gone to sleep and dreamt on and off about Evan. 

His second semester had been a little easier than the first. By the time he was done with finals, Jared did feel like maybe he had changed a little. And Evan's ghost felt like a ghost. A lingering shade that would evaporate once you threw open the windows and tore down the curtains.

Jared knew he deserved friendships where they had better reasons to be around each other than "school pushes us together" or "we don't really have anyone else."

He knew he deserved a guy who could like him back, who wasn't gonna use him to score with some girl he doesn't even really know and then ditch him.

Jared knew he deserved to walk away from whatever mistakes he made in high school. He supposed Evan deserved the same, too. It wasn't really his business anymore. Which is probably a good thing for Evan, because if Jared's honest with himself? He's still angry.

Evan is a wound that he's healing on his own. 

He hasn't seen Evan since he came home again for summer. Maybe the guy's planting or climbing more trees. They haven't had much trouble avoiding crossing paths before. Jared hasn't even seen Evan's face since their confrontation. He hasn't tried to check up on him on social media or asked his mom what Heidi says or anything. 

He's moving on. 

Jared Kleinman knows he really IS sort of cool. He wants people in his life who find that believable.

He wants Evan's ghost to fade fully into the past. 

He's almost considered, once or twice, getting in touch with Evan. Being the one to reach out after all. Not to say he hopes Evan will take him back, not to give Evan a piece of his mind, but for simple closure.

But the idea stirs up a little bit of longing and pain and hopefulness. Jared knows it wouldn't be all about closure.

If you want to get rid of your ghosts, you don't give them your attention.

Jared's fine. 

In the end, it was all just the story of another broken heart.

**Author's Note:**

> \- first off i wanna say this is kinda an extended reference to this amazing book “the ghosts of ashbury high.” it’s written in epistolary format from the essays of students (which sounds ??? but is executed amazingly) and frames the events of the school year as a gothic story. it’s the last book in a series of YA books (tho each can be read as a standalone) about ashbury/brookfield high by jaclyn moriarty, i love it so much and it’s some of my favorite books with a lot of heart and amazing characters and so much fun to read but nobody’s heard of it lol. (the 1st book is skippable tho imo)
> 
> \- also this may be a oneshot or i may try to expand it into a fix-it fic. either way i wanted to have this foundation where jared isn’t completely beating himself up or thinking of himself as undeserving of evan or like evan is faultless and perfect or whatever. and even if i try to write them making up and getting together, i think it’s kinda a good thing in a way if jared legitimately felt like he didn’t NEED to make up with evan. i’m really big on how good it is when people really feel like they can freely choose a relationship either way.
> 
> \- also for what it’s worth, if you go to my tumblr (ummmwine, with 3 Ms) and search for posts tagged w/ “kleinsen,” i’ve already posted fanart twice lol. rn it’s just kinda floating out there and probably this fic has more Exposure. but to be self-complimentary for a moment...the drawings are cute t b h h h h h
> 
> \- okay anyway thanks. check out those books if you like emotional relationship-focused highschool YA, which you presumably might. they’re kinda obscure but i’ve found them in libraries and used copies are online. check out my fanart if you wanna and you have a minute. thanks for reading all this. keep it real


End file.
